The prodigal blogger

Ok - well. I would like to make a re-entrance to the blogging world. I stopped blogging in May - and would like to come home.

Let's see. First things first. This past weekend, I got to go to the Resolved Conference. I do love a good Christian conference both for the learning of scripture and for the endless amounts of cliche Christian activities that take place. I have come up with the following:

Top Ten Signs You Are At a Christian Conference

10. You are at the pool reading a book called "Sinners in the hands of an angry God" the person next to you in reading "Sin and Atonement" - person next to THEM is reading "Mortification of Sin." Finally, the person next them is reading US Weekly and you stop and pray for them.

9. Speaking of pool....you are wearing a one piece with an attached skirt and you still feel like a ho.

8. You no longer refer to guys as being cute - but rate them on a scale of "likelihood to make me stumble"

7. You use the word "relevant" a lot. For example, "I think wearing a halter top makes me more relevant."

6. You buy a book on humility - but you don't dare brag about it.

5. You tell a perfect stranger you are on your way to do a QT and they know what you are talking about.

4. If you took a collection of all the T-shirts with bible verses on them being worn - you could actually make up the new testament in T-shirt form.

3. You make bible verses into verbs. Such as "We need to Galatians 6"

2. More than one person has a picture of John Calvin on their shirt - and just about everyone knows who the picture is of.

1. You say things like "Hey, maybe next year Joel Osteen and Oprah can come..." just to see how many people will give you the look of death.

Printer disdain

I think Hell might not be a place of fire and brimstone. For me, hell looks like a room with a bunch of computers and then a bunch of printers - and for all of enternity - I have to hook the printers up to the computers and get them to function. Once I do that, I have to print things off of them in annoying formats.

The sweater of conviction

So - I have nicknamed a sweater I have - The Sweater of Conviction. I really like nick naming things and this sweet little baby blue sweater has been a dear friend to me in recent months.

You see, it's almost summer. And hot. And so I am embracing tank top weather. And sometimes I embrace halter-top weather. And sometimes (perhaps after I've skipped some time in the word in lieu of the gym) I skip the sleeves alltogether and go strapless. But, the sweater of conviction comes with me wherever I go. Because 9 times out of ten I feel convicted that I am showing too much skin and I put it on. Not to say a girl who wears a halter or a tube top is scandalous (lots of girls can pull this look off with beauty and class) - but surely in certain situations - I think it's best to keep a sweater of conviction available to you.

Take for example my recent trip to Chicago. You see, I went to a fancy missions dinner with my friend Josh. Since it was dressy - I chose a black strapless dress. Bad idea. I was one of two girls wearing a strapless dress! But did I have my sweater of conviction? No. I didn't. All I had were my exposed shoulders and some annoyed missionaries.

I am not sure why I really have blogged about my sweater of conviction since now every time someone sees me in my baby blue cardigan they will know the Holy Spirit convicted me into wearing it - but it's what I've been thinking about lately.

Modest is hottest. Right? Right.

Stuff Christians Like

So - I have been shamelessly reading this Web site this week:

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/

This Web site is a painfully accurate, yet hysterical, look at the Christian culture. I have already plugged this site two posts prior But I feel the need to share my love for it again.

Sometimes I email the guy and tell him about new things he should write about.

For instance - you know that horrendous cheer that sometimes goes down at large Christian gatherings where one side of the arena starts out yelling "We love Jesus - yes we do...we love Jesus how 'bout you?" Then the other side of the arena has to do it. Anyways, this cheer goes back and forth until the concert starts or until one side of the arena decides that they don't love Jesus enough to continue this horrific chant. It's pretty embarassing to witness.

Not sure if he will take me up on that idea or not.

And then I was talking to my sister about funny things in the Christian culture and she suggested me writing to tell the blog guy to write about the Potfaith which is the holier, more God-honoring version of the Potluck. I've even heard churches call them Pot Providences. The premise of course being that Christians do not believe in luck - so, any reference to luck should be replaced with a word Jesus would use. One time I invited Jesus to a potluck and he said he was too busy erasing my name in the Book of Life to come. But later that night I found out he went to a potfaith. So sad.

A trip to the salon

So - today, I decided that I would get a pedicure. This sounds relaxing doesn't it? Wrong. Pedicures can be a fairly traumatic experience. To increase sales, I think salons use a cruel marketing plan that looks like this:

* Surround your customer with fashion magazines featuring beautiful women.
* Ask customer about her boyfriend/husband.
* She doesn't have one? Perfect. Ask her why she doesn't have one. This is the most awkward question in the world to ask someone and will also make her feel really pathetic.
* Immediately following the intrusive questions about customer's non-existent relationship make a cruel comment about her eyebrows. Such as: "Your eyebrows. Very overgrown - you want wax?"
* Customer will immediately understand your not-so-subtle correlation between her having no boyfriend and overgrown eyebrows. She will agree to an eyebrow wax.
* Take her into shady room with early 90s wall paintings. Put hot wax on eyes. Tell her she might like an upper lip wax.
* Customer declines. Surely she does not need this.
* No problem - just ask her again about her husband.
* Customer reminds you she is not married.
* Ask customer how old she - this will remind customer that she is getting old.
* Talk loudly in a foreign language to your coworker - make the customer think it's concerning her unfortunate appearance and then ask again about the lip wax.
* If customer declines again - begin furiously plucking away at her eyebrows.
* When customer winces in pain tell her "you a baby"
* End waxing session. Tell customer she looks beautiful even though her eyes are completely red from hot wax and you spent the last 45 minutes implying otherwise.
* Repeat process.

adulthood

Mmm...this week I have been thinking how being an adult is kind of rough.

I am only a few years into this whole being old thing and it is so bizarre.

For starters - let's talk about the economic stimulus check. Now, as if my trips to the mall don't stimulate the economy enough...the government is giving me $600 to further my propensity to being totally consumed with worldly goods. The child in me says I need to work on filling the shoe shaped hole in my heart... but the newer, adult Lindsey tells me that I should put it all towards student loans. The thing about being an adult is that you have so many completely UNexciting things to pay for like student loans, teeth cleanings, car registration, toilet paper, etc.

And can I just talk about taxes? Ok, seriously - these are so confusing. How is everyone in the nation figuring these out? I am not completely brainless - but I find taxes difficult… and odds are (small as they may seem) that there are people who are even more brainless than I am that are required to do them - this intrigues me.

I really don't mean to complain. I like this new stage. There is definitely good with the bad. Not the least of which is having a business card and a clever desk calendar. And let's not ever get into the joys of the office supply cabinet and the unlimited supply of post its that this brings.

And now – let’s talk about regrets. There is a new blog in town - http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/ and it is way better than mine. I regret not coming up with this idea. Although if I had come up with it - I probably would be very prideful about how great my blog was – so I guess I am the real winner because I am still really humble. Kidding.

Resume building!

Mmm…sometimes I am glad I went to college. But, then, there are days like today – when I am forced to ponder “Could I have done this job without a degree?”

I have been asked to unzip hundreds of freezer-sized zip lock baggies. They come zipped… and I have been deemed capable of unzipping them.

I think there is a greater purpose for these bags – and I am just preparing them for their ultimate destiny.

Perhaps they will one day contain some pertinent supply management information or maybe they will be filled with rice to feed orphans. I don’t know. All I have been asked to do is sit here and unzip them, fold them and pass them along. My thumbs kind of hurt. But I must press on.

There could be a great spiritual parallel to this… like he who is faithful in preparing Ziplocs for usage will one day be entrusted with something bigger. We will see.